Entry #11: Feed Me Seymore, Feed Me!

"What was paradise, but a garden full of vegetables


and herbs and pleasure? Nothing there but delights."


- William Lawson

  Well, I hate to break it you Mr. Lawson (who, according to Wikipedia is either a banker, a speedway rider, or an explorer who discovered a way to Sydney, Australia through the blue mountains) but just because you have your quote plastered all over a cheesy website, doesn't mean you have an ounce of credibility as far as I'm concerned. You see Billy-Boy "You're-not-Important-Enough-For-Wikipedia-Because-You're-So-Inconceivably-Dull-And-Unnotable" Lawson, there ARE some things in your garden that don't quite fit the cut in your Utopian "wonder-dreamland-bowl-of-mush" quotation. And that's where I step into the picture.

  E-People, I bring before you an issue that is so important, so necessary to our everyday living, that I be remiss if I did not rant incessantly about in my own particular idiom.

SNOTT'S TOP 5 MOST REVILED VEGETABLES

Ok, so maybe I over did it just a little there. But there goes without saying that there's some pretty weird plant-life out there that we humans find tasty. And I feel the need...no no, the DUTY to set some of the crazies out there straight. Just because it's edible, does NOT mean you should eat it.

Here's the list of the top 5 offenders (with visual aids for those who need a reference):

1. OKRA

 

  This often deemed 'southern' food is nothing more than an odd looking mucus filled pepper with the palatability of my own grandmother deep-fried in old chip fat. Not only is it's taste close to the point of forcing it's ingestor to induce vomiting, but it's name is so irritatingly close to a popular mid-day talk show host that its alias alone is cause for a full on revolution against the vegetable-loving masses. Who in their right mind thought this thing was anywhere close to being edible? Only a psychopathic, schizophrenic crazed fool with a glutton for pain and misery would have walked by an okra plant, said "oh, that looks tasty" and then proceeded gorge himself on the gooey, stringy nastiness they call a vegetable. And no, it's not even good when it's deep-fried. And that should be telling you something.

2. EGGPLANT

   Does anyone know of a recipe for this vegetable BESIDES eggplant parm? I thought not. Oh, and here's a science lesson for you: This plant just so happens to be part of the same family as deadly nightshade, tobacco, and madrake root. In case you're not a botanist, and I'm pretty sure you're not, I'll let you in on a secret as to what those plants all have in common...THEY CAN KILL YOU!! So WHY on earth are we eating this thing? Oh and if that isn't enough of a convincer, a little known fact about this purple ovoid is that it contains the MOST nicotine of any vegetable in the world. So if you just so happen to not die from eating it, you'll probably get addicted to it! Granted, you need to eat 20lbs of it to get the same intake as that of a cigarette, but hey, I'm not taking any chances. Nor do I think you should either.

3. LIMA BEANS


  Steer away from this one, steer very very far away. These legumes (the word comes from the latin "legumos", which means "to gnaw off one's own leg before consuming") are deeply revolting in just about every manner ever concieved by nature. They come in two distinct yet equally putrid varieties; the inaptly named "butter" bean (which by no means even comes close to resembling the taste or the texture of butter), which is the large white sort that you grow as an experiment in your kindergarten class, and then there's the green Sieva type, which are the kind you find in your average run of the mill bag of frozen mixed vegetables. Curiously enough, they both seem to suffer from the same thing; they have the taste and consistantcy of a piece of chalk. A really particularity nasty piece of chalk. It's the gritty slimy texture of the foul thing as it slowly oozes down your throat that seems to put a lot of people off. And to be quite frank, I can't blame then one bit.

4. ZUCCHINI
  Steamed, boiled, grilled, stuffed and baked, barbecued, fried, incorporated in other recipes such as soufflés, baked into a bread, or incorporated into a cake mix; any way you cook it, it's still miserable to eat. These bad boys can get up to 3 feet in length and weigh over 5lbs but that still doesn't change the fact that they're bland, slimy, and almost totally without any nutritional value whatsoever. BUT, that doesn't seem to stop the crazed vegetable maniacs from trying to spike your common, everyday bready products with a little of what they call a "pep-up". I draw the line when people start sneaking vegetables into things that should NEVER contain vegetables. Muffins, pancakes, apple pies, breads, cookies, and even breakfast cereals have all become victims of this very clearly irrational thought pattern. And the most incredibly irritating part of all of it is being served a bready product containing it and not told it's there. As you sink your teeth into the first bite, the giver stares intently at you and giggles. They ask, "Guess what's in it?" And as you pull it away from your mouth and look at it, you discover green flecks of something jammed inside your muffin. "It's ZUCHINNI! AHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" they exclaim in an irritatingly bright and bubbly tone amongst the giggling. Suddenly, violent thoughts emerge into your brain as to how best to make the person in front of you choke on what's left of the muffin in your hand, and make it all look like an accident.  It's a crime against nature, it's a crime against humanity, and it's a crime against my stomache.

5. SPROUTS

 You know you're onto something big when you write "sprouts + nasty" into Google, and you get 2,980,000 hits. Something really big. People just downright hate these nasty, stringy baby vegetables.Why you ask? Because they taste like a week old teabag, that's why. My guess as to their creation follows along this line of thinking: "Oh, regular vegetables are good. Ok then, if that's true, then BABY vegetables must be ever BETTER!" Wrong. Words cannot describe the utter loathing I have for these contemptious and often "home-grown" frankenstein concoctions. If I wanted to eat something like this I'd have bitten the hair off a chia pet, not grown it in a jar and served it on a plate to a half-wit. Sprouts are out, end of story.

Well folks, there you have it. The 5 most hated vegetables in all the world. Go out there and avoid them like the plague.

Entry #10: The Road That Leads to Nowhere...

Hello E-World.

  As you gently push open the trendy yet outdated western saloon doors, you hear the soft cooing of country-western music among with the hushed voices of other patrons. All around you can see mid-western decorations from tumbleweed to a mounted stuffed bull head lovingly hung on the wall for all to see. The distinct yet faint crunch of shells is heard underfoot as a middle-aged blond waitress leads you to your own personal eating stall. "Here you are, darlin'" she says in a distinctly southern drawl as she motions for you to sit.

  No. You're not in a 19th century saloon. There will be no shoot out. No bar-room brawls. No stagecoach robberies. And no, Sheriff Dillon isn't standing in the corner talking to Miss Kitty either.

You're in Texas Roadhouse.

  If you ever happen to find yourself in one of these low-down, no-good cesspits, I suggest you skedaddle outta town before they hog-tie you up and call you princess. Not only is this place one of the worst eating establishments in all of food chain history, but it represents all the worst ideas ever created combined into a posse so ugly, even the ugliest bar-maid would think twice about going out on a date with any of them.

  In attempt to round up these ugly varmit, I've compiled my own Most Wanted List:

WANTED: The Peanut Shells.

 These organic spent cartridges aren't anywhere near as authentic or cool as real bullet shells. Strewn across the entire floor in this saloon is a nightmarish biodegradable wasteland. Why isn't the FDA wrangling up the suspects? I mean, do we throw banana peels on the floor in our household after we're done feeding our fat faces? Unless you're disgusting beyond all reason, the answer should be no (and if it isn't, then by all means you're excused). So why then is it ok to do that at a public eating establishment? Also I'd like to point out that apparently in Texas there's no such thing as a peanut allergy. And heaven help you if you have one, because if you even decided to visit one of these waterholes, you'd be deader than a paraplegic caught in a gunfight.

WANTED: Birthday Celebrations.

  Pray to heaven above that it's not your birthday at Texas Roadhouse. Unless you like to be ripped out of your seat, sat down on a "authentic genuine leather" horse saddle, blinded with a giant spotlight leaving very little doubt in anyone's mind who's birthday it is, then have happy birthday screamed at you by employees and emboozened (it's a word I made up) patrons then this isn't the place to celebrate your annual.

WANTED: Country Music.

  Not that I have anything against Country Music in general, but there's a limit to many times I can listen to "My Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus before I start a full out bar room brawl. The twangy half  musical melody is supposed to compliment the already dismal establishment, however it's more annoying than mining fool's gold. They might as well have just set up a honky-tonk in the corner of the room and played "The Entertainer" 4 billion times until everyone rioted and burned the place to the ground. At least then we could have said we enjoyed ourselves.

WANTED: Western Decor.

Somehow I'm supposed to be convinced by the wood paneling, fake paintings of the wild west, and Indian headdresses that I'm in a Texas saloon a century ago. Well, to put it bluntly, I'm not. Something tells me that AC cooling vents weren't in style back then, nor did the waitress wear sneakers and call you "hon". Nor did you get a slab of beef with mashed potatoes on the side. Nothing says fake, cheap decor like an unused dartboard in the corner of a restaurant.

Among all the restaurants in the U.S.A, I have no shame in calling the Texas Roadhouse the worst eatery the West ever offered to the world. And rest assured E-World, you're more likely to see the elusive mythical Chupacabra than see me in one of these Western nightmares.

Entry #9: Bad Shows = Bad Ratings, Right? It's Science-Fiction.

Hello fellow E-Worldinians.

Today, I will attempt to answer one of the most inexplicable phenomenons of our modern age. One that has so boggled my mind, that I have had to take mandatory breaks at regularly scheduled intervals in order to insure maximum metal stability. The question:

Why does the TV channel SyFy still exist?

Be it far from me to deny them the pleasure of running without a doubt some of the worst programs known in the existence of mankind, but you have to honestly question whether or not they have an ape at them helm of their operations. And no, it's not one of those Planet of the Apes either.

Call me crazy but once you've enjoyed (if you can even use that word) a snake vs. giant evil-eyed badger film once, the rest kinda fall into the same category. Ok ok, so maybe I can see a film that might go along that line and be well, decent.  BUT, when they're so horribly under budgeted, it reduces whatever cinematic pleasure you might glean to an absolute all-out mock-fest. Many a time I have been caught doing this subconsciously, and it gets irritating after a while. It's akin to having your flesh flayed from your bones. Ok, maybe I was exaggerating there just a bit. Anyways, I have come up with a sure-fire way to aid your sanity when you're stuck watching one of these cinematic disasters.

E-People, I have a few solutions:

1. Guess which person survives until the end. Believe me, it's harder than it looks. With such a poor plot, the protagonist is quite hard to pick out from the entire list of hack-actors, so it proves quite the challenge. You can't always rely on the jerk dying first, or the black guy snuffing it, or even the semi-good looking girl. All those stereotypes are thrown out the window because on SyFy, nothing makes sense or reason.

2. Guess the end of the plot at least sometime before the halfway point in the film. This too is somewhat difficult, but an experienced movie-goer can do it with some ease. Why? Someone once told me, "There's nothing new out there, it's just the same thing re-done some other way". But the SyFy channel embraces this fact and DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. I am totally convinced that they could take a script from any one of their awful films, throw it on the floor, then pick it back up, add different names and a new title and *BINGO* the latest film to hit prime-time air.

3. Make fun of the actors ability to portray a struggling script. Nothing is more satisfying that ripping into one of the many truly awful actors as they claw their way through an utterly dismal dialogue. It's almost a fact that if you hit the SyFy channel, your career as an actor is over. I mean, just take a look at Alec Baldwin. Need I say more?

4. Lastly, cheer for the monster/antagonist. This is almost always the best route to go. You know a film is bad when you want what ever rampaging, slobbering beast to kill off the actors because they are so incredibly irritating. And you also know that a film is bad when the CG monster pulls off it's part WAY better than the actors.

These are just a few ways you can embrace in order to spare yourself some much unneeded anguish and misery. Think of it as a sort of defense mechanism designed to protect yourself from being convinced by a plot that is so boring, so dull, that the late Mr. Rogers would fall asleep watching it.

Live long and prosper E-People.

Entry #8: Ok, So I Dropped the Ball...

Hello E-World, it's been a while. A long, long while.

As you might be able tell, I've opened up the comments and the ability to view my blog for everyone. So, to all you newcomers out there who happen to stumble on this humble little blog, welcome!

Ok, so onto the entertaining bit of the post:

People of America, I officially want to go on record as being "so angry I can't even see straight." Why, you ask? Well it's only two most ill-gotten words to ever have been put together to form one horrible abomination of an idea...even worse than the ideas of communism, political correctness, and spam. I'm talking about the worst idea in the 21st century. Yep, it's universal healthcare.

  If I were to rate how bad this idea was, I would deem it impossible to do so because it was actually proposed as something to rate. Every time I hear those words, I literally get shivers down my spine...as if they're evil voodoo words to invoke wrath upon you enemies. Actually...that's a good idea...

**MY PLAN IF I WERE PRESIDENT**

I would enforce universal healthcare upon all terrorists, and terrorist supporting governments and countries. Due to the gigantic financial burden that is caused by such a system, they will inevitably collapse into revolt and civil war. All the terrorists would die, and we'd be left without a doubt about how awful the system truly is. Case closed. Oh and the best bit, no one has to bother with those messy nukes.

Usually, I don't go political on my blogs. BUT, this was such a big deal, that I just had to. There's not one single person in this country that shouldn't be up in arms over it. And if you're not, then logic concludes you must be a parapalegic...to which, you have my deepest condolances.

GOAL FOR THE DAY:

Make someone's dream come true, give them a hug or two. ( I was going to say "don't give them swine flu", but that's a dead horse).

Laterz, E-World.

Entry #7: Will Computers Ever Be Smarter Than People?

A valid question, and yet so easily answered. The long version: "Never in a million years." Short version: "No." 

How could anyone ever think of ever considering the possibility of this ever happening? Clearly, they must be the few people who don't use Microsoft Windows on a regular basis. Or use any computers at all for that matter.

Computers are stupid. Very very stupid. They only do what you/someone else tells them to do. Nothing more. The notion of A.I. is in my opinion almost laughable. I am going to take a hard amd firm stance on this one. There will NEVER be any computers that can think independently apart from human intervention. It's not possible. And claming that it is possible is like trying to claim that zebras aren't black and white. So unless any of you in the e-world are familiar with a particular breed of purple zebras that I am currently unaware of, I think you understand my position.

 I will say that the idea of A.I. certainly makes for good science fiction. 2001: A Space Odessey is clear proof. The classic line, "I'm sorry, I can't do that Dave," need not even be mentioned. H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds is also a classic piece of literature that sort of touches on that idea.

I classify A.I. in the same group as Time Travel, Teleportation, Telepathy, Telekenisis, and any other Tele's I didn't otherwise mention. It's in that weirdy pardoxical spacey sort of category.

GOAL FOR THE DAY:

Give others some hope, please wash with soap.

E-goodbye.

Entry #6: Doomsayers....I Predict That They'll All Die Out One Day...

Ah yes. Ever since the dawn of civilization there have been a few proud, self-assertive people who deem it necessary to claim that everything we know and hold dear will go up in a fiery inferno of death and chaos. Or go up in a flood of epic proportions. Or we'll all be baked alive by UV rays from the sun. Or instead of being fried like catfish, the sun will inexplicably explode, vaporizing us all. Or the trees will revolt and poison us, and we'll curse Mother Nature with our last breaths as we gag on putrid fumes. Or aliens will invade, and exterminate us from the planet by sucking our brains out of our heads. I have a theory: the more ridiculous the claimed calamity is, the more likely people are to agree with you. Now to test my theory:

I PREDICT THAT IN THE YEAR 2011 WE WILL ALL SUFFER FROM A FOODBOURNE ILLNESS BROUGHT ON BY POOR QUALITY BAGUETTES MADE BY FRENCHMEN!!

Now, I've always been a skeptic of anyone who says that we're all going to die in a massive catastrophe. Mostly my reasons for disbelief stem from the fact that 6 millennia have gone by, and we're still all here, alive, and for the most part, doing quite well. I mean, for 6 thousand years doomsayers have been getting it wrong. Sadly though, Google seems to think otherwise. If you Google "doomsayers + right" you get app. 700,000 hits. However, if you Google "doomsayers + wrong" you only get app. 475,000 hits. Clearly society thinks they're right, according to Google.

Also, I really feel the need to point out that if such events were to occur and a doomsayer happened to be right, what would he say after it happens? Say, "I told you so!"? Or "Ha! I was right all along! You guys didn't believe me but boy did I nail THAT one on the head." The phrase, "I told you so" does little to console the eradication of humanity as we know it.

So instead my scheme is simple. I will predict the end of the world by global cooling instead of global warming. This flawless plan is sure to make me a genius, a millionaire, and a trendy international jet-setter. Just like Al Gore. Then I'll write a book, steal a Nobel prize, and chock it up that I'm one heck of a regular guy.

Now if you people out there in the e-world insist on being the nutter wearing that sandwich board that says "The end is nigh." Then by all means be my guest. But don't expect to get a warm welcome from the likes of me.

GOAL FOR THE DAY:

Say please and thanks, even when robbing banks.

Laterz mah lEEt peeps!

Entry #5: A Date With Destiny, and She's 5 Years Overdue...

Ah yes, the dreaded High School Reunion. A time of much fear and trepidation. Your palms get all clammy, and you get that sinking feeling in your gut. All of the sudden it starts to smell like teen spirit.

Now for a little background: In High School, I wasn't exactly the king o' the pack, if you know what I mean. Now let me explain this in a more tangible way. There are 3 classes of social order in any given High School. Firstly, there are the Lords. Those are the popular people that hoarde all the cool to themselves and would never be caught dead with anyone who did not at least equal or exceed their social status. Next, you got the poor peasant. A victim of the "lords" they have failed to become anything signifigant and therefore have been given the status of social "reject", as in somehow they didn't quite fit the mold. Then you have the third class, of which I was a proud member, the mechant class. They are affluent, polished, but usually come from humble roots They fraternize with both rich and poor, and see no difference between the two. They have the ability to speak to anyone, and they are listened to, regardless of the social status of the listener. Hope that explains my social life in High School a little better.

Anyways, so I had my 5 year reunion last week, and frankly, it was awesome. To tell the truth, I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to go because I thought I'd just be seen as a bum living at home with my parents. I even sat in the car for a half an hour because I didn't want to go in. But, suprisingly, it was pretty good. I got a very warm reception and it turned out to be a blast. I want the next one to come already! But in the mean time, I am going to do something that will earn me worldwide acclamation, so that I can got back and brag about how amazing I am. Please people, form an orderly queue and wait your turn for autographs.

People, you have my blessing.

GOAL FOR THE DAY:

Work out a bunch, and eat a healthy lunch.