Entry #9: Bad Shows = Bad Ratings, Right? It's Science-Fiction.

Hello fellow E-Worldinians.

Today, I will attempt to answer one of the most inexplicable phenomenons of our modern age. One that has so boggled my mind, that I have had to take mandatory breaks at regularly scheduled intervals in order to insure maximum metal stability. The question:

Why does the TV channel SyFy still exist?

Be it far from me to deny them the pleasure of running without a doubt some of the worst programs known in the existence of mankind, but you have to honestly question whether or not they have an ape at them helm of their operations. And no, it's not one of those Planet of the Apes either.

Call me crazy but once you've enjoyed (if you can even use that word) a snake vs. giant evil-eyed badger film once, the rest kinda fall into the same category. Ok ok, so maybe I can see a film that might go along that line and be well, decent.  BUT, when they're so horribly under budgeted, it reduces whatever cinematic pleasure you might glean to an absolute all-out mock-fest. Many a time I have been caught doing this subconsciously, and it gets irritating after a while. It's akin to having your flesh flayed from your bones. Ok, maybe I was exaggerating there just a bit. Anyways, I have come up with a sure-fire way to aid your sanity when you're stuck watching one of these cinematic disasters.

E-People, I have a few solutions:

1. Guess which person survives until the end. Believe me, it's harder than it looks. With such a poor plot, the protagonist is quite hard to pick out from the entire list of hack-actors, so it proves quite the challenge. You can't always rely on the jerk dying first, or the black guy snuffing it, or even the semi-good looking girl. All those stereotypes are thrown out the window because on SyFy, nothing makes sense or reason.

2. Guess the end of the plot at least sometime before the halfway point in the film. This too is somewhat difficult, but an experienced movie-goer can do it with some ease. Why? Someone once told me, "There's nothing new out there, it's just the same thing re-done some other way". But the SyFy channel embraces this fact and DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. I am totally convinced that they could take a script from any one of their awful films, throw it on the floor, then pick it back up, add different names and a new title and *BINGO* the latest film to hit prime-time air.

3. Make fun of the actors ability to portray a struggling script. Nothing is more satisfying that ripping into one of the many truly awful actors as they claw their way through an utterly dismal dialogue. It's almost a fact that if you hit the SyFy channel, your career as an actor is over. I mean, just take a look at Alec Baldwin. Need I say more?

4. Lastly, cheer for the monster/antagonist. This is almost always the best route to go. You know a film is bad when you want what ever rampaging, slobbering beast to kill off the actors because they are so incredibly irritating. And you also know that a film is bad when the CG monster pulls off it's part WAY better than the actors.

These are just a few ways you can embrace in order to spare yourself some much unneeded anguish and misery. Think of it as a sort of defense mechanism designed to protect yourself from being convinced by a plot that is so boring, so dull, that the late Mr. Rogers would fall asleep watching it.

Live long and prosper E-People.