Entry #11: Feed Me Seymore, Feed Me!

"What was paradise, but a garden full of vegetables


and herbs and pleasure? Nothing there but delights."


- William Lawson

  Well, I hate to break it you Mr. Lawson (who, according to Wikipedia is either a banker, a speedway rider, or an explorer who discovered a way to Sydney, Australia through the blue mountains) but just because you have your quote plastered all over a cheesy website, doesn't mean you have an ounce of credibility as far as I'm concerned. You see Billy-Boy "You're-not-Important-Enough-For-Wikipedia-Because-You're-So-Inconceivably-Dull-And-Unnotable" Lawson, there ARE some things in your garden that don't quite fit the cut in your Utopian "wonder-dreamland-bowl-of-mush" quotation. And that's where I step into the picture.

  E-People, I bring before you an issue that is so important, so necessary to our everyday living, that I be remiss if I did not rant incessantly about in my own particular idiom.

SNOTT'S TOP 5 MOST REVILED VEGETABLES

Ok, so maybe I over did it just a little there. But there goes without saying that there's some pretty weird plant-life out there that we humans find tasty. And I feel the need...no no, the DUTY to set some of the crazies out there straight. Just because it's edible, does NOT mean you should eat it.

Here's the list of the top 5 offenders (with visual aids for those who need a reference):

1. OKRA

 

  This often deemed 'southern' food is nothing more than an odd looking mucus filled pepper with the palatability of my own grandmother deep-fried in old chip fat. Not only is it's taste close to the point of forcing it's ingestor to induce vomiting, but it's name is so irritatingly close to a popular mid-day talk show host that its alias alone is cause for a full on revolution against the vegetable-loving masses. Who in their right mind thought this thing was anywhere close to being edible? Only a psychopathic, schizophrenic crazed fool with a glutton for pain and misery would have walked by an okra plant, said "oh, that looks tasty" and then proceeded gorge himself on the gooey, stringy nastiness they call a vegetable. And no, it's not even good when it's deep-fried. And that should be telling you something.

2. EGGPLANT

   Does anyone know of a recipe for this vegetable BESIDES eggplant parm? I thought not. Oh, and here's a science lesson for you: This plant just so happens to be part of the same family as deadly nightshade, tobacco, and madrake root. In case you're not a botanist, and I'm pretty sure you're not, I'll let you in on a secret as to what those plants all have in common...THEY CAN KILL YOU!! So WHY on earth are we eating this thing? Oh and if that isn't enough of a convincer, a little known fact about this purple ovoid is that it contains the MOST nicotine of any vegetable in the world. So if you just so happen to not die from eating it, you'll probably get addicted to it! Granted, you need to eat 20lbs of it to get the same intake as that of a cigarette, but hey, I'm not taking any chances. Nor do I think you should either.

3. LIMA BEANS


  Steer away from this one, steer very very far away. These legumes (the word comes from the latin "legumos", which means "to gnaw off one's own leg before consuming") are deeply revolting in just about every manner ever concieved by nature. They come in two distinct yet equally putrid varieties; the inaptly named "butter" bean (which by no means even comes close to resembling the taste or the texture of butter), which is the large white sort that you grow as an experiment in your kindergarten class, and then there's the green Sieva type, which are the kind you find in your average run of the mill bag of frozen mixed vegetables. Curiously enough, they both seem to suffer from the same thing; they have the taste and consistantcy of a piece of chalk. A really particularity nasty piece of chalk. It's the gritty slimy texture of the foul thing as it slowly oozes down your throat that seems to put a lot of people off. And to be quite frank, I can't blame then one bit.

4. ZUCCHINI
  Steamed, boiled, grilled, stuffed and baked, barbecued, fried, incorporated in other recipes such as soufflés, baked into a bread, or incorporated into a cake mix; any way you cook it, it's still miserable to eat. These bad boys can get up to 3 feet in length and weigh over 5lbs but that still doesn't change the fact that they're bland, slimy, and almost totally without any nutritional value whatsoever. BUT, that doesn't seem to stop the crazed vegetable maniacs from trying to spike your common, everyday bready products with a little of what they call a "pep-up". I draw the line when people start sneaking vegetables into things that should NEVER contain vegetables. Muffins, pancakes, apple pies, breads, cookies, and even breakfast cereals have all become victims of this very clearly irrational thought pattern. And the most incredibly irritating part of all of it is being served a bready product containing it and not told it's there. As you sink your teeth into the first bite, the giver stares intently at you and giggles. They ask, "Guess what's in it?" And as you pull it away from your mouth and look at it, you discover green flecks of something jammed inside your muffin. "It's ZUCHINNI! AHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" they exclaim in an irritatingly bright and bubbly tone amongst the giggling. Suddenly, violent thoughts emerge into your brain as to how best to make the person in front of you choke on what's left of the muffin in your hand, and make it all look like an accident.  It's a crime against nature, it's a crime against humanity, and it's a crime against my stomache.

5. SPROUTS

 You know you're onto something big when you write "sprouts + nasty" into Google, and you get 2,980,000 hits. Something really big. People just downright hate these nasty, stringy baby vegetables.Why you ask? Because they taste like a week old teabag, that's why. My guess as to their creation follows along this line of thinking: "Oh, regular vegetables are good. Ok then, if that's true, then BABY vegetables must be ever BETTER!" Wrong. Words cannot describe the utter loathing I have for these contemptious and often "home-grown" frankenstein concoctions. If I wanted to eat something like this I'd have bitten the hair off a chia pet, not grown it in a jar and served it on a plate to a half-wit. Sprouts are out, end of story.

Well folks, there you have it. The 5 most hated vegetables in all the world. Go out there and avoid them like the plague.